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06/02/07 Current mood: Me "The Mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." I use to have those fucking creepy "I'm back in high-school" dreams just like the next person... My dreams were always about being in class and realizing I wasn't in high-school anymore... Not to mention the fact I knew I was dreaming. I would realize this and run to the classroom my true-love was in.... Everything would be collapsing behind me as I ran because I knew I would be waking up soon.... I would always get to her classroom.... But I always knew it was a dream so I would just look at her and never say a word... Realizing that I was just projecting reality, and this was all in my head... But I would still look at her... Just take in the image before I woke up and went to work. To me it's a reminder about how I'm always late on everything.... Being myself, starting a band, figuring out what I want to say in life, trying to fall in love, trying to understand what I want out of love.... Realizing I had a shot and blew it... Thinking about what went wrong... Trying again.... Trying not to be a ghost in every public gathering... I feel I never figure it out, and I'm always running against the clock to make it in the 11th hour. One night I dreamt this..... I'm sitting in my high-school auditorium and some nameless adult is giving a speech. Everyone who was a shithead to me back then is sitting in every seat around me..... I don't remember the speech but it was useless... I knew that in my heart. I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and I stood up and said "This speech is fucking useless... No one needs to know this..." While I'm yelling the whole room goes deathly quiet... Except for one person who is shushing me.... Just a long spooky.... Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... I woke up very excited... I actually did what I wanted to do in a dream.... And never had a dream about high-school again. Then I realized I should try to this in my waking life.... I have... I got the youtube videos to prove it! That was a joke.... YIPPI, YOU LAUGHED!!!! I'm probably not going to blog for a little bit. I read the last couple of entries today and find I'm repeating alot of the same themes over and over.... "WE GET IT ROBBY... YOU WANNA CHANGE...." rather than typing about it I'm going to get going on it.... So I'll leave you with this.... Since I believe in anyone who believes in something whether it's religion, new age, magic, voodoo... Here's something I thought about.... Another possible heaven I imagine for myself is this.... After I die I get put on an island for 60-80 years.... Enough for one lifetime by myself... Time to melt away all this anger, regret, restlessness, jealously before I'm ready to rejoin my friends and possibly loved ones... Maybe a couple of animals to keep me company. Then at the end of my stay my case-lawyer in the great beyond will sit down with me and we'll go over whether or not I'm ready to join everyone else, or if I want to keep isolating myself from the human-race. I call this heaven because I hate the fact I feel darkness sometimes when I see bliss in other people and I myself can't even watch happy movies because I feel so much hatred in the lack of reality I can relate to it... I think I'm living my heaven now. I hate the fact that some douche-bags can die happy and feel complete, while some good folks can die broken and sad. Life is random and unpredictable and I'm such a control freak.... I don't know which group I fall into or what peace of mind I'll find in the end... I feel like a human plinko chip on the price is right... Falling without any control... I could land in the $1000 spot or $0.... Knowing that people will say it was meant to be if it's $1000, and will be quiet if it's the later. I know I think too much, and the word of advice here would be.... "Let It Be". I'm just a really big fan of life and I'm ironing out all my hopes and fears here. It's pussy talk, but I would like you to know what swirls in my head... And I appreciate so much when you echo back what's in yours. Thank you so much for getting this far. E-mail Robby at robbyroadsteamer@aol.com 
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