04/28/08

Regardless of how long not having a day job lasts (making a living doing radio) is probably up there with beating Solomon's Key... Which I'm at level 39 of 50 currently. I have a grasp of what retirement feels like and it's beautiful and scary at the same time.

The problem with doing retail for me is that eight hours a day Monday-Friday you have to be the person who can do retail 40 hours a week... A zombie. (I go into better detail with this in my previous blogs)

To be able to define yourself on a daily basis as the person you want to be rather than having to be someone else just to keep your sanity is a wonderful thing. Alot of my friends share this feeling because they're in bands and do so full time, but at the same time I love not having to be on tour nine months out of the year too. I love Boston. Met alot of crazies who love it too. Just got a Peanut Butter And Jelly Smoothie at Robeks and that pretty much made my day... It's that easy now. I don't have to constantly fight customers every 20 minutes, I don't have to battle to be who I am at this moment.

Now the downside... And trust me I know how fucking stupid this sounds...

Without the distractions I realize the things I truly desire to have in this lifetime... And even if I didn't my dreams at night just remind me to keep me honest...

Last night I dreamt I was on the front lawn of this library in my old hometown. I was there with the very first girl I fell in love with in 1st grade... Only we're both around 18-20 years old. I am fully aware of what is going on and proceed to speak from my heart to her about what she made me felt... She smiled and we got married on the front lawn of that library... So quickly it happened... She was already picking out what our guests would eat at the reception (the menu looked incredibly tasty... combinations I never seen on this planet) I felt peace and electricity... It was pretty fucking wow.

I woke up and realized I'm retired alone... Now does that mean that girl was the one and I need to fight tooth and nail to find her... Of course not. It was a memory... We both probably became many different people many times over during our lives... But the feelings I felt in that dream I couldn't deny... Someone still makes me feel like that... Even if the joke might be it's just me who makes me feel like that.

I'm not really looking for that because you can't. You can't force it. You can't put someone on that front lawn... But I know what I'm capable of feeling for someone who could trigger that and that's a very wonderful thought...

In return... Even though I'm a comedian/DJ/Dork/musician/timebomb/performance artist/human/white I now filter the idea of attracting someone that beautiful through everything I create and do in life... And also I would like to be someone that would be capable of deserving that and not have to put up a bunch of smoke and mirrors to make it happen.

Will it ever happen. I haven't a clue. But I know how I might feel if it did and that is wonderful to ponder but not get attached to.

Besides that I highly recommend reading "Thoughts Are Things" by Prentice Mulford... If you don't remember anything from this... I would ask you remember that.