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05/02/07 Current mood: satisfied I have Carlton Fisk tattoo' d on my arm.... Catcher for the Boston Red Sox. Waving with his arms for the baseball he just hit to stay fair at Fenway Park. It was game six of the 1975' World Series. Bottom of the 12th...Just after midnight. Hitting the home run that won the game....Off a tiny fucking foul pole in left field. They eventually lose game 7 to the Reds and lose the series, but that was expected by most (This is the same Reds team that would sweep the great Yankees 4-0 a year later in the 1976 World Series). The Reds were favored to sweep the Red Sox too, but instead got the fight of their lives... In what many considered the greatest World Series of all time. It's not about the team or the man that I got this tattoo.. It's the moment. Whether or not you love baseball you have to believe in the moment. Rarely does a ball hit off the foul pole for a home run. It's a tiny fucking pole. A few inches to the left and it's foul.... But for one night the whole city celebrated and dreamed anything was possible. Even if sport is bought and sold over and over in many different ways, and even if you hate some of the types that root for sports.... That's what sports can sometimes do in the rarest of moments. It's sometimes what anything in life can do for you if you search for it. I bring this example up because I had a dream Tuesday night I want to share with you. I'm having great trouble sleeping as of late. Fears about what the summer might bring and where I'll be at the end of it... Fears that I might be lost. I worry about everything these days. Every thought that enters my head about health or happiness I dissect to the Nth degree... Especially when your alone the night has a way of bringing out your deepest fears of the future.... Allston Massachusetts sometimes doesn't help either... For one night my mind took me by the hand and gave me this... I'm on a TV show with a few artist.... In some sort of panel discussion... I'm dominating the conversation during taping. Each one of them is looking at me with their mouths open... Because I'm just in the zone. (I can tell by the pride I feel in the dream that this TV show is a big deal even though I don't recognize the other artists nor the stories I tell during the show) I know that because of what I did during this TV show I have truly made it in my head.... I run out of the television studio and into my car and drive down a highway... I know my destination is far away. There's fucking tolls every five minutes... I drive... I'm going south. I need to get to a girl. I know who it is in my head and I'm scared I'll never get there... Scared it's too late and I already fucked up.... And even if I do get there... Will she even care as much as I'm hoping she might. At this point I wake up in real life. It's 5:37.am and I have to wake up in two hours to do my day job... My chest hurts... It hurts to the point I have to switch positions on my bed to lie on my belly, and fold my hands together in almost a praying motion to feel better. It actually does the trick... To the point I'm so relaxed I fall right back to sleep.... The best part is I'm back in my dream! I'm at my destination in the dream.... It's a huge amusement park down south. It's night time, and I'm in the "Win A Prize For A Buck" section. Lights are flashing everywhere and people dressed in all different time periods of clothing are around me with huge smiles... They smile at me if I chose to make eye contact. A girl that I should recognize comes up and smiles and grabs me by the hand and says "there's not much time!" I know there isn't... And in the back of my head during this dream I know who I'm there to see.... I know this girl will lead me to her. She leads me to a room at the top of a hotel. It's daytime. Everything in this hotel room is white. Very white... She smiles and leads me to the bathroom and tells me to hide with a big smile. I know whose room it is. I look in the mirror in the bathroom and see myself at the age of a teenager. My face never looked more blissful (and man my hair looked great!) I wait for a minute and the door opens.... It's the girl I drove down the highway for. It's a girl I can't get my mind off of. My heart is just pounding. She is exhausted, burnt out from her job.... She's broken. She smiles when she sees me in a very mischief filled way. Trying to hide the pain in her own life because she knows this moment too. We're both beat up and broken....but. She leads me to the bed where we both lie down and look at each other. I'm playing with her hair and she tells me about her troubles... I have never felt this complete in such a long time.... Maybe ever. We both laugh and know it's strange to be anything at all... That last line is from a Neutral Milk Hotel song, but it's how I felt. I wake up... I'm glad I'm still like this though. What else are you going to fucking do in this lifetime except dream something so crazy it's almost a drug if your teased by it. Over the years my priorities and needs have been so stretched out it's hard sometimes to know what I really desire deep down. I guess by locking myself away from the world... Reading, listening to music, thinking... And being with myself I narrowed some things down... Well most things. Life is too short not to. God it is... isn't it? And I just hate how the clock ticks away. There's 6 trillion people out there... Six Trillion religions. Six Trillion dreams. Six Trillion heavens.... Doesn't matter what you believe in as long as you do. I'm sorry. I just couldn't sleep again tonite... You should though. E-mail Robby at robbyroadsteamer@aol.com 
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© 2007 Robby Roadsteamer. All Rights Reserved. |
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