04/26/08

I'm hour to hour. That's the truth. I can write this blog now in a darkened mood, but two hours later I'll have a few hours of peace. I continue to work at it like anything that doesn't work... Fixing and testing out everything until something is isolated and I can work on it. "I'm depressed because I hate my day job"... Eliminated day job and it's still pops up a few days later... "I'm depressed because I don't really enjoy playing live anymore and get too anxious before shows..." I'm taking a break.... It's still there.

Maybe we do truly measure our happiness by our strife... And if I were to accept that I could trivialize the mood I'm in now to just being bored and needing to feel something to keep myself occupied until the next moment I'm actually into. I'm finding that's why I sometimes blaze 6-8 hours a day... To fast forward to the next moment I can jump into and be occupied... A party, a date, a show, editing videos, radio, but all the while I'm distracting myself from what's really underneath.

There's no sense of peace when I relax. A sense of urgency that I'm not doing all I can do to fullfil the ambition or dreams I always filled my head with since I was a kid. Whether it be falling in love the way I do in dreams, or finally creating something that connects with enough people so that I don't feel like I'm just doing this as a hobby... But I've talk with enough people and find when I got past their salesman approach of selling me on their lives...I find people share alot of these fears too.

So what does that mean. I don't know. I just keep fighting through these moods and don't let them tell me this is who I am forever. I'm trying harder and harder to smoke less during these hours so I'm not distracting myself by what my mind is going through.

I smoke alot of times to suppress my dreams at night... Not nightmares... I just don't wanna be playing the Tweeter Center anymore or falling in love with the girl I created in my head as the ideal moment when 31 years have told me it's alot of illusion and quiet compromising. To me those dreams are very much nightmares at this moment because in the 20 seconds from when I wake up to when I realize what is the reality of that moment is the same stabbing feeling as when I remember something tragic happen'd the day before.

People embrace their dreaming state as a time to fullfill their latent desires they don't get a shot at on this planet... Yey. Buy a video game.

I don't like living a lie. It's why I never could get into buy porn... Love the women around you instead of picturing something that never comes down the line. What are you escaping from sailor?

That's about it. This is me not you.