03/17/08

I'm starting to dislike my older blog entries. I think that's a good thing. Stuff just sticks out in them that don't hit my antennas the right way anymore.

I connect with people I care about more now, but still have alot to say that I hold back. I think about all the possibilities I'm excited about in the world, but just get restless fearing I'm in some lost and found until I live up to the momentum I built in my head.

I have completely changed my music and comedic approach to allow myself to be me finally and I'm happy for that. I get e-mails left and right from people who wish I go back to yelling and screaming at people... But I want to get more of me out there before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.

I'm happy I'm able to finally express love to not just those who are blood but to people who mean alot to me. Instead of taking all the time. I've been selfish and arrogant and hurtful and there's always time to turn that around.

I"m accepting of the fact that there's precedent for everything in this world. Good people dying unhappy, and shitheads laughing all the way to hell. It scares me sometimes when I think about the many different directions my life can go or not go. I could be at the beginning or end. The start of a realization... or the conclusion of a story.

Allowing myself to finally take off the armor has open'd alot of people's world to me that I'm thankful for.

I went down to The Chapel Of Sacred Mirrors last Saturday night in New York city with some very very close friends... If you ever get the chance please go. Alex and Allyson Grey are amazing artists, and I'm happy they re-enforce my ideal that true love isn't about co-dependency but a sharing of love in one's self so strong that it can't help but make both people strive for the most amazing visions of their work. The after party lasted until 4am. It a celebration of the people there and the ideas and art they bring to the table.

I drove back to Boston in the early morning singing Hedwig And The Angry Inch with my passengers and ended up grabbing pancakes at IHOP in Harvard Sq. at 7am when the sun was rising.

I know I have changed alot in the past two years and I fear some people will always hold me to that douche-bag character with the wig and mustashe... Which is fine... Just because I'm trying to evolve doesn't mean I throw away the past or the many years of the person I was. I accept that things take time to change and catch up to your psyche of present days... But something open'd up in me and I want to keep the flame going... Even if there's no one in particular to share it all with... There's everybody. Agent Cooper from Twin Peaks once said "A man who loves too little loves too much when he does." I don't want to make that mistake again.

I know it will still be a battle. Life has taught me that everything in cycles like the weather. I need to keep balance and realize that the bad times are times, and that my life cycle has taught me not to tie myself to those moments and make that my life... As well as not making the happiest moments of my life the normal that I have to constantly try to live up to... Just balance... And that's always easier said than done in the heat of emotions and dispair.

When it's good I want to call everyone I care about and pour it on them. I want to stay up all night and not let it leave my body. I want to spread it to as many people as possible. I want to thank everyone who told me it exists. I want to love you even though you hurt me. I can forgive everyone who has hurt me. And I hope that people forgive me for my wrongs. Every song I listen to or every movie I watch screams at my secret chords in some way shape or form. I'm at peace.

When it's bad... I can't make eye contact. It has no reason to be triggered.... I can find hopelessness in the things I look forward to in my life. I can observe the anger but it does nothing to bring it down a notch. I get ugly about the things I really have... and look forward to. I do things I never did before to try and make a new emotion... I can destroy any bridge I manage to make in my life in five minutes or less. I wouldn't mind being on an island for 80 years. I scream as loud as I can in my car. People can see it in my eyes from 100 yards out. I can re-arrange any bad experience in the past to make the events that led up to now seem understandable... It justifies the fact that I deserve anything I'm feeling... I know billions and billions of people have it worse than I ever had but it doesn't give my feelings perception. I make a shitload of mistakes and know right when I'm making each one but don't care. It's so much harder to be pleasant... No matter how much I try to learn I seem to always develop a new strain in my head to challenge it... There's a fear I will never match in real life the deal my imagination has on the table... That's when it's bad.

Balance.