10/18/07
Maybe after this lifetime eighty years on a desert island alone is just what the doctor should order.

Some hours I'm hopeful and happy, some hours I'm just a self-deprecating dink...I feel if I must make a living in these moods I should just have my bedroom walls turned to glass and people can watch. I feel like sometimes I should shut up all together so I don't make a fool out of myself at extreme parts of my behavior

Though strife does seem to be my biggest carrot to pursue more wisdom and peace of mind. Even though it's how I always end up back in the first room where I started.

The more I approach situations with perception the more I realize I should stick around and fight for a better day in the future. It just doesn't help the day job when a tourist spends 20 minutes looking at manny t-shirts and arguing with a loved one over what one best matches her hat... Or the night job when doods call into WBCN with "aye brah can I hear sum 311?"

But that's my fault for not being more aggressive when I was younger and taking control of decisions instead of watching TV and playing SEGA Genesis... Now I spend my late 20's and early 30's playing catchup... Involved in a life I chose out of apathy for choices. I have enough masks to sell it to everyone regardless of what's going down inside.

Then I get home... Go to my room... Have a snack bar... Read a book... Clear my mind without constant distractions and find I really do like what's on the inside. I feel myself a million miles away from the first few paragraphs of this message. Leaving your house to a world that's fighting to steal every second of your attention and not giving you anything back.